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Most of us have been in groups that felt good and ones that did not. Perhaps it was how the group communicated, the values that were reinforced, or whose needs were considered.
For disabled and neurodivergent people, groups are a common place to experience casual ableism. Although this is usually unintentional, it still makes it hard for us to truly belong.
Ableism can be obvious, like posting a video without adding captions. These actions are the most straightforward to understand and fix.
But what about the ableism that’s woven into our culture?
This subtle ableism is harder to identify because it’s all around us. It’s what we consider “normal.” Like fish don’t notice the water they swim in, we are swimming in ableist culture.
Most groups unintentionally replicate ableist culture, making it harder for disabled and neurodivergent people to participate effectively.
Whenever I facilitate a group, there are explicit norms that identify the ground rules and behavioral expectations for all participants. Whether it’s my own group or one that I host for another organization, norms are an essential part of how I create inclusive spaces.
Group norms are one tool that can help us move from good intentions to inclusive spaces.
Norms vs inclusive norms
Unfortunately, just having norms doesn’t guarantee inclusion. To prepare for this newsletter I did a quick Internet search on “group norms.” I found a zillion resources, but few that addressed inclusion.
Only when I changed my search to “inclusive group norms” did the advice even touch on the ways that group dynamics can perpetuate marginalization.
And that’s the rub. Groups are usually microcosms of society and as such, reproduce societal dynamics unless we take action to disrupt them.
How we do it
“Disrupting societal dynamics” sounds dramatic, like we’re all marching somewhere or protesting something or at least making clever banners. But it’s actually much more simple. As always, there is power in practical, everyday actions.
Here are 5 norms I rely on to help make my groups more inclusive. These are the ones that work in my spaces. Different kinds of groups may benefit from different versions of inclusive norms.
5 norms + my script
“Be respectful. This means both yourself and others. If you need to move around, eat, or drink, please feel free. If you feel more comfortable with camera on or off, participating via the chat or out loud using the raise hand feature, it’s all fine. Do what works best for you. Also, be respectful of others. If participants have specified their pronouns, please use them. Be mindful of the time you use. Make sure others have a fair opportunity to participate as well.”
“Assume good intent. We are a diverse group of people with different needs and lived experiences. Even when we’re actively learning to be more inclusive, we might unintentionally cause harm. We don’t know what we don’t know. If someone behaves in a way that causes harm, let’s start by assuming that they had good intentions and go from there. We can address it without judgment or defensiveness, as a community of learners.”
“Offer advice only when asked. We are a helpful bunch of people and want to share our knowledge with others. That’s great! However, advice isn’t always what people need. You know when you just want to share your problem with a friend and they rush in with solutions? It doesn’t feel great. Unsolicited advice can also feel like criticism or judgment. Generally, it’s okay to ask if someone wants advice, but then respect their answer.”
“Pauses don’t need apologies. In ableist culture, we’re expected to apologize for our perceived shortcomings or mistakes. Even if it’s just taking a moment to unmute or gather your thoughts before speaking. But we don’t need to apologize for being human. Pauses in conversations are also okay. Many of us have been socialized to think that silences must be filled - and quickly! But those pauses are fine. For some neurodivergent people, quiet moments are essential to gather their thoughts and be able to participate.”
“Avoid biased language. We’re all at different places in our learning about biased language, so this might be another ‘we don’t know what we don’t know’ situation - especially with ableist language. So we are going to assume good intent. Do your best to be mindful. If someone does use biased language, it’s an opportunity for us as a community to learn together.”
Why my groups don’t create their norms
Conventional wisdom says groups should develop their norms as a collaborative endeavor. I disagree with this approach. Remember how I said that groups are microcosms of society and as such, replicate societal dynamics?
Without specific attention to inclusion, group-developed norms often reproduce dynamics of marginalization. That means people with privilege in a group have a bigger say in shaping the norms than those without. In our context, that means nondisabled and neurotypical members. But other factors such as race, sexuality, gender, age, and language also come into play.
Most people don’t mean to exclude, but ableist culture is all around us, influencing what we think is important about how the group should work.
Instead of having my groups develop norms together, I present norms to the group. This approach raises awareness and communicates that inclusion is a core value - it isn’t up for negotiation by the group nor can it be ignored.
This approach also takes pressure off marginalized people to be the ones responsible for advocacy. I know I get tired always having to speak up for inclusive norms when I participate in other groups, especially when there’s pushback (“is that really necessary? Let’s just see how it goes” ).
How I implement norms
To introduce the norms to a new group I say, “most people want to be inclusive, but we don’t know what that looks like in practical, everyday ways. Here are some specific things we can do to make our space more inclusive.”
Then I give the details. The whole introduction takes about 5 minutes. Afterwards I pause, then ask for questions or feedback. Sometimes I adjust or add norms based on feedback.
When I started this approach, I was surprised at how nervous I was. What would people think? Would people fight me on them? (no one did).
I knew it was the right thing to do, but honestly - it’s much easier to support inclusion in the comfort of one’s own mind than to do it out loud. In a group. With people who might be reluctant or dismissive.
Establishing inclusive norms in a clear, explicit way can feel uncomfortable, especially if (like me and millions of other white women) you have been socialized to avoid conflict and prioritize the feelings of the people with the most social power in a group.
It took me time and practice to gain confidence with this approach. But even once I got started, I was still missing one crucial aspect.
The final ingredient
To establish your inclusive group norms, the final ingredient is actively reinforcing and protecting them.
Reinforce the norms by your words and actions. If you tell people it’s okay to participate via chat, don’t make casual comments like “it’s just so nice to hear people’s voices”). Sometimes I even say things like “whoops, I just apologized for taking a moment to get my thoughts in order.” This helps your norms be an integral part of how your group works.
The harder part is protecting a norm when someone violates it. In my experience it’s usually done unintentionally, which makes speaking up a bit easier to manage (though I’m still nervous every single time).
For example, if a norm is “avoid unsolicited advice” you will need to do something when a group member gives unsolicited advice. Not always easy to do, but essential. Remember, we’re disrupting societal dynamics! That’s hard, important work.
To feel more prepared, I practice ahead of time what I might say in various scenarios. I’ve read guides on how to call people in.
And in the moment when I’m addressing an issue, I usually admit that I’m uncomfortable. That’s me trying to authentically model what it looks like to stand up for inclusive values.
We don’t need to be perfect at inclusion, and it’s okay to feel uncertain. We just need to be willing to keep trying.
Wrapping up
Inclusive norms are just one of many ways to help foster inclusion. Fortunately, both leaders and members can help. Leaders can establish and model them. Group members can propose and support them. The more people who advocate for inclusive norms, the easier it is to change a group’s culture. Small actions add up.
Are there any inclusive norms you wish people followed in your spaces? Please share them with me if you’re able. It’s helpful to learn what inclusion feels like for different people.
And if you are someone who uses group norms, I’d love to know your thoughts about this approach - questions, feedback, whatever came up for you.
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